new beginning

New Blog ALERT!

www.takeoffyourclothes.wordpress.com

I will be updating that from now on... I am sorry fellow Bloggers but Blogspot was just not doing it for me. I have moved on. If you have a RSS feed that you use like on google, please keep up with my updates.
Thank You

Tonight was life changing. I don't know yet for sure if it truly was life changing because it's only been an hour since the experience. The Experience. Don't really want to share about the actual event that popped on to my lap but more of how it has changed my views on life and people. Lately, the word relationship has been very important to me... My family and friends, the relationships that I cherish most out of every and any that are in my life, my family and friends... For these people, I don't care about looking foolish for them or in front of them, giving up my life to help them, putting my reputation in the dumpster for these people. So lately, I've been thinking about my life because I have so many relationships that are in the air between friends or just acquaintances. Especially for church. Are the people that go to the same church as me... family, friends or just acquaintances and tonight I figure that to generalize the whole church in to a category just isn't fair for or for anybody else. end thought.

The way people respond to you in a sensitive atmosphere shows a lot of who the person really is. When there is drama... who and what are they really worried about? Are they worried about their 'reputation' or are they really worried about the situation at hand? This doesn't qualify people as being evil or just bad people but I do categorize it under selfish ... anyways.. my thoughts on this is not fully matured.

overall.

When the shit hits the fan, true colors of people come out.

I love you guys that read my boring and complaining blogs!

Gina, Congratulations on Graudation, you're in a a good situation, eat at soup plantation, its a great sensation, tion tion tion.
haha, but all jokes aside... I'm really proud of you, like really... not just because you graudated high school and will be going to a school out of state by yourself! but because you also, stuck around at Wilshire even though there no on your age and I know it was hard at times but I really respect that.. I respect that even though you couldv'e been somewhere else your age people having all sorts of wild fun, you stayed and was confident in who you are.
Gina, you're awesome. In the future, I hope to work with you.


David Kwon
David Kwon
David Kwong!
I love you. I really do. Thanks for leading praise all the time even though it must be hard. I know you will become a great person.. You already are a great person but when you get older, you're going to be so awesome.
I know I'm not always around but if you need anything david, don't hesitate to call me... If you need a ride, call me. If you're bored, call me. If you're hungry, call me. If you're doing something bad, call me... I can't guarantee anytime but I'll do my best to help you.
David, Just let things go and don't try to be in control... Life knows how to live, we just flow with it. ok?
Well, You know I'm going to North Carolina right? in August... Well, Since, you're one of the greatest praise leaders I know, I wanted to leave you with my martin if that's ok.. I would like to just give it to you but I kind of want to play with it when I'm here. hahahah but if you accept my offer, I want to leave the responsibilities to you.. you can do whatever you want with it.. Take care of it but if it break accidently, don't feel bad... so, what I'm trying to say is that it's basically yours during the school year if you wanttt...
I hope you want but if not, let me know..
hmm... I hope you read my entries... haha or i would feel absolutely silly.


Andrew Park
Stop reading my entries and write a new one already!

It's not much to claim anything with words these days. Verbs, nouns, sentences, paragraphs, statements, questions, letter, etc. have lost so much weight that when used it has to be backed by actions and build a foundation of trust where words can once again stand. When Christians claim to be "christian", it basically means that they go to church or do churchy things or they believe that Jesus is the Saviour, which kind of sums it up and that's all we expect the word means. To say that you are a Christian should have something deeper that is expected of the subject proclaiming their belief. Not just, biblical references to "prove" their belief but to show their foundation of belief which in our case as Christians I would assume is LOVE. God so 'loved' the world he gave his only begotten son who died for our sins on the cross which I believe shows the meaning of the word to the full extent.

If our actions show what we believe our words will have weight on the ears that it falls on.

Even in non christian communities, just among friends. So many people say they will be there but often flake which will lead their friends to assume in the future events that this one person will most likely flake and the next time they say they will be there, the friends will plan for him/her to not be there.

i dont know why I decided to write this... I wanted to write about me moving to North Carolina.
oh well... next time.

the older I get... the less I want to share... this is the sad truth.

Well, I'm moving to North Carolina for sure hopefully by fall. I feel like a part of me really wants to leave to leave all of my responsibilities that were given to me because the lack of volunteers and I was pre-mature to handle them. I'm not ready to be in charge of anything right now but I'm in charge of more than I should be and it's sucking me dry. I really want to move to North Carolina because it seems really simple, not too much going on and I can sort of start over.
It feels good to look forward to change instead of having that feeling, "am i going to be like this forever?"
North Carolina, I hope it works out. I hope it molds me in to a different person.
I'm excited, there are many people that keeps trying to discourage me from going there, I don't exactly know why. They ask me questions like, "are you sure you want to do?, why there? what are you going to do there? etc. etc." Other times, it might have affected me but too many times those voices kept me from doing what I really want or should do. Too many people have their own agendas for your life, if 23 years of living has taught me anything is that no matter how great or nice a person is, most of the time their "advice" is their own personal goal for your life. It's a funny concept. Another person not of family but just friend or acquaintance has a 'plan' for you, they have an agenda for YOU! It' might be selfish or it might just be from their own person experience what ever the reason, it's usually something that we shouldn't really just take as perfect or even as credible. We all are individuals and our own decisions are what makes us individuals. hmm a little off tangent there.

excited for NC.

can my days go any faster?
I feel like the weekdays are so short... i can't believe I'm saying this but I wish they were longer.
I feel like there isn't enough time to do everything, although the major role in it is because I don't manage my time very well...

I can't stop eating.. someone pray for me.

nobody writes blogs anymore

My soul is missing... if anyone finds it let me have it back

beign alone is only negative if you hate it.

sweet like honey to my soul

man, my life has been spinning out of control for the past 2 or 3 years. At first I was able to handle it, taking on new responsibilities here and there and soon enough, I don't remember peoples name that I met 4 min. ago. It's been really getting to me, I just want to drop everything and just concentrate on one thing but I'm too deep in, i have to finish this pointless hole that I'm digging...

I'm 23 turning 24... what a life changing stAGE. Am I too old to be in school? Am I too young for a career? I have so many regrets and such, I just want to go back and change just a few things.

presently... My life is so filled with such negative people whether it's church, school, friends, strangers, etc. A lot negativity. I've been gossiping like crazy and I don't want to blame anyone else but I honestly can because it was until I started chilling with someone my mouth started to get loose and I can't help it now. I used to just pass by any tempting gossip I wanted to be a part of but now, I jump at the chance. I will try.. no I will stop.
Gossiping is seriously one of my pet peeves, even if I do do it. I hate it that a certain someone would talk 'smack' about another but then they still hang out together... WHAT THE HECK?!

I've also been struggling with lust, all I want to do is just hit on girls... like seriously it sickens me... I used to look down on guys like me... so materialistic... I will stop this too... I will only talk if I genuinely want to get to know someone.

I've also been struggling with my spiritual life.. I'm trying to define clearly who I am as a... man of God? can I even say that at the moment? can I even claim to know Jesus? I wonder if he'll be ashamed of me... Am I even doing something wrong? etc?
and I feel like church is complaining all the time about everything... sometimes we just have to stick through it, it's the hardest when things around us, or even within us aren't moving.. if the ground isn't shaking...
But my passion is so gone. After awhile, church becomes such tradition which is why so many feel dry/dead/lifeless/apathetic. or is it because of our own sins? is it because we... I push away God in guilt? in sin? in lust after the worldly possessions? can I even be real anymore? am I real? What is keeping it real?.. as a christian.
eh

This week is just such a defeating week.

People judge me so much... even if it's a "positive" judge. Like eray doesn't get mad or tired or annoyed because I put on a smile all the time... my life is spinning fast and I can't stop it, I'm just trying to catch up to it. Nobody will really know what I'm talking about... Most of the people that act like they know me have really rich parents, even if they are "on their own"... they have that security that no matter what they will be ok because there will always be a cushion to land on. Not me. I'm not mad at that but I am hating on those that act like they're so independent because they're their own man, they work and make their own money, pay their own bills etc. only if they'd know the stress that comes with no security. but that's all good. I welcome pain, I welcome suffering because I know that and I believe this, that without hurts, pain, suffering, influence is limited. My goal in life is to be influential. To be confident enough to stand up for something. and I know that God is shaping me and shaping hurts. this process of being molded... imagine a cold clay being spun fast and pressured by the potters hand to be formable in His image... and I'm a pretty cold clay... cold play. haha anwyas.

man that felt so good venting. I wanted to kill people today.


I love being alone.

sweet like honey to my soul

can you believe it?
the most feared thoughts brought life.
when the young die and the old return to faithless
the front stage turned self centered
clear as water,
tears as dry as broken glass
we're all cut inside
we're all confused.. right?
empty actions follow empty words
this is the curse that we all follow
hearts that are hollow
everyone's searching for fillers
silent heart killers
punished for the hypocrisy
this is the life
this is my strife
can't be angry,
ain't nobody sad as me
lost as me
broke as me
i go deeper than the sky to the universe
i don't write songs i just write the verse
my actions rob the hearts of money purse
hit me hard so i hit the dirt.
cash flow, spit flow, sometimes we gotta lay low.
Is it just me or do we suffer together?
call me your brother
your joy is only there because of the pain that was brought
the tears that were sought
I can't apologize for sadness
no need to seek forgiveness
is there really meekness or are we just pretending?
defending
our pride and standings
bitter but sweetness
I'm in it.
tell me the truth
even if its cruel
my hearts been through worse
drama is just a second language in my life's work
bleed drama
cry for grandma
lost in our identity we forget to search for sanity
take a breather
be a leader
we're all just simple minded seekers.

sweet like honey to my soul

sometimes you walk
sometimes you crawl
sometimes you even run
but once in awhile you gotta fly.

Time's maybe hard
at times it may be fun
Time's may fly by
at times we may want to be done
Time's are good
at times people we love die
Time's often bring tragedy
at times we want to stop and cry
but time never stops timing you.


pain brings people closer, at the same time pushes people away
bringing hate towards one while compassion for another
a thin line between pain and joy, situations differ from brother to sister
words so cold I'll kill him is just a phrase driven by passion
33 years whips and chains found guilty beaten
physical attributes contribute to my feelings toward you
it might be random but hey, what's new?
education is the corner stone, I disagree the desire to learn is the stone in the corner
might save you some time from being a loner
....

what am i talking about?

secret desires

sweet like honey to my soul



my crush turned love turned sour turned in to questions of how's and why's.
regretful thoughts cloud my mind only to be cleared with bitter emotions
maybe... they were just lies
meaningless attempts to find true love, pre-mature, one step too early in to the center of the ocean.
too easy to drown in-factuation
you're too deep to understand and I'm too impatient
only if i can do it again, then I know I'd have you again even now.
my crush turned love turned true
despite what reality choose
a piece of my heart still knew,
faithful heart, betrays me to still feel for you
maybe it still waits too
believes in faith or is it fate?
or is it too late?
and I know you're happy with..
and maybe it's just not meant to be.
it's over and I know it see,
only if I can convince my heart to believe me.

schooliosis

sweet like honey to my soul


I love learning. I love learning but not for a grade. One thing I really wish that this society would let of is defining a person through a letter in the alphabet or this thing they call g.p.a. Those things seriously make me feel stupid. Whenever I face school and their grading system I feel so at a disadvantage, like they want to give me a bad grade and I have to fight it by memorizing things I don't fully understand because we're in a time crisis and there's no time for me to stop and breathe and contemplate on what it means to me and how I can question it. A part of me just wants to quit school and learn on my own; that would be the brave and adventurous thing to do. The part that wants to stay is the little girl in me that is afraid of how the world will treat me because I do not have a title next to my name. Somewhere along the lines of our culture, our education system lost it's purpose. Who ever started school must have started it to educate the people around, so that they can better themselves. What's the difference now? Schools just want "better" students to better THEIR schools name. Everything in the end becomes a business. It's all about how much better can I be than you. How far can you push me before you stop. Nobody really lives life anymore, we just try to fill the status quo of this culture. It makes me truly sad to see how young generation grow without creativity nor experience because they spend their time away 'studying', as if studying is limited to indoor, paperbacks, desks and teachers. I won't claim to be the smartest but I learned common sense outside of books, I learned how to walk the mountain not through a teacher and I learned how to get up from a fall away from a desk. School. Where and what truly is school? Will we always be constrained by 4 walls, 34 to 36 chairs and a white board? Will research papers get me experience because I studied it? I hope not. i hope that one day, parents will be brave enough to let their kids live outside of this box, to not hold them so tightly that they can't spread their wings and discover new heights. I hope that school will not be competing for title but competing for the students hearts desires to experience this journey we call life. Teachers will not be teaching for the respect and honor of being teacher but because they want to share what living is for them and how they did it and as the students job to be inspired to live out their lives to write their own stories and be their own teacher to one day give off experience lessons to other students. The generation to adapt this 'method' I believe will formulate students that can impact the world in greater depth and wilder ways.

hypocritical shelf.

sweet like honey to my soul


give it some time, make it a rhyme
people struggle hard, get down to make a dime.
love and money. which one's priority
just gotta stop... take a walk to breathe
mamas alone, papas a gone
kids at home got nowhere to go!
money money dolla bill
for a few grand, people will kill
obama signed a stimulus bill
thats more action i've seen since kill bill
if sky's the limit, I'm reaching for outer space
cuz we all part of this hot damn rat race.
it's always gonna be a cat's game
f##% the rich, pursuit of happiness and fame
we're too busy trying to survive in this rain
tell me more of what to do
cuz I ain't listening to you
speak til your face is blue. "someone throw him a clue!"
let love speak for it's own and rich speaks through what he owns
I'll say it again
pay it again
money ain't a thang
when the truth came
Leaders of the world
will fall for a hot girl
with a short skirt, throw in a flirt.
Let it be, could it be, should it be?
maybe
one day, that'll be me.

family affair

My biggest sadness comes from family. You may look at a person that you know so well and never think that they are having issues at home: the smile, the laugh, the joy that is shown in public guarantees questions to be directed towards something less serious like how's school?, where did you buy that jacket? etc.
Concerns within the family is not something that is unheard of nor is it anything secretive. Lots of people come out in to the public with how there is domestic violence, bad communications or just lot of 'putting downs' amongst their family members. My family has issues, we're one of the most secretly dysfunctional family group that I probably know of. I don't know what's missing or what went wrong or where it went wrong or if it's part of God purpose, maybe my parents just aren't meant for each other. I wish I knew, I wish I can trace back to when my parents were first in love and follow them, watching them from afar and critique their relationship giving my parents pointers here and there. The culture of old Korea, I feel has ruined many relationships. The fact that males grow up with the idea that a female is lower than them really affects the relationship especially in a country where women rights were so fervently fought for.
I am not blaming the men of Korean descent if their marriage or relationships are bad but I am blaming the culture that was so faithfully held on to even by the women of the culture. As different my dad is from other Korean dads as in that he tries to change, he give it his all to be understanding, patient etc. somethings are just in their blood. To fight yourself of what you grew up with is a battle that can not be won. There must be so much inner tension within him; my dad. To have Korean culture shape him in a certain manner that follows a distinguishable fashion of hierarchy in the family and then to come to a land that is filled with free forming, the adaptation is more than just relating to the people, it's like trying to let go of a rope on a cliff knowing that you will land on a mattress that is there to break your fall but you're afraid of heights. Korean parents have a hard time letting things just be, to wear a leotard and be free and silly without worrying about their dignity being on the line is a question that has an answer without thought.
I worry much about marriage when I see my parents. Do I want to be married? Is there really someone out there that I can live with for the rest of my life without being bored and be faithful all my days? Does she really exist. If I do find a lady that I fall in love with, how can I trust the relationship to not go sour after 20 - 30 years of marriage when we are no longer physically attracted to each other, we have no more new personalities to show nor do we have any new interests to discover. The universe of our love has a beginning and end, it is not like this world where you can go on for eternity in to outer space and discover new and amazing findings. People are as simple as can be and will be peeled to its core in no time. So how can these relationships work til the end?


True Love. If you're christian, you would relate it to God showing true love by sending His One and Only Son to die on the cross for our sins. I would like to use this as analogy to my theory. There are numbers of stories where if the family is rich, they will break. Although not applicable to every rich person, however hold true to many families around me. There is deception, lies, distrust, greed and selfish motives and that is probably why most rich families have a hard time sticking together because money attracts our sinful desires. If you're a married man, money will attract beautiful girls. If you're a married woman, money will entice your heart to love materialistic things losing focus on what is truly important. The root of evil they say is money. I believe it. As much as I want to become rich, filthy rich, I fear it. True Love wit Jesus Christ works because there is suffering. When love is left alone and is soft and easy going because there is nothing to worry about or there are no conflicts to overcome, our love will easily fatten, lose its pace and long after things that will only contribute to it's selfish lazy thing so called love.

As much as I hate family struggles, I believe that if these obstacles were overcome with the ones you love. It can last til the end; as a runner must push him or herself to their limits, til their lungs want to burst open, til they throw up so that they can run a little longer the next time, a family will struggle together so that when a problem so big comes around, they will be able to handle it together.

I know that through these crazy family journeys that I do not enjoy, those long nights of yelling and tears falling there will come a day when God can use me to say to another struggling peer or father or mother, "stay strong for your family, stick with them and work it out slowly and patiently with much love because in the end you will have become a better person and a stronger a family."

sweet like honey to my soul

Grandmother

From Love

This was taken before I was left Korea in 2005. She always cries. I always thought it was silly that she cried every year because we see her the year after. She passed away beginning of 2008, I don't even remember the exact date and I didn't even get to see her before she passed away. I was still in the U.S. at a Nehemiah Band show somewhere near Cerritos when I got the call. When someone dies, I think regret happens much. 'why didn't I treat her better?' 'why didn't I cherish those special moments?' etc. She knew that she was going soon but nobody would really understand that. I feel sad when I think about my grandma. I don't know her age, her name or her life. I just know her. She loved me the most. I just want to see her one more time, nothing special... just to spend a little extra time and give her a little extra attention. I love her.