beign alone is only negative if you hate it.

sweet like honey to my soul

man, my life has been spinning out of control for the past 2 or 3 years. At first I was able to handle it, taking on new responsibilities here and there and soon enough, I don't remember peoples name that I met 4 min. ago. It's been really getting to me, I just want to drop everything and just concentrate on one thing but I'm too deep in, i have to finish this pointless hole that I'm digging...

I'm 23 turning 24... what a life changing stAGE. Am I too old to be in school? Am I too young for a career? I have so many regrets and such, I just want to go back and change just a few things.

presently... My life is so filled with such negative people whether it's church, school, friends, strangers, etc. A lot negativity. I've been gossiping like crazy and I don't want to blame anyone else but I honestly can because it was until I started chilling with someone my mouth started to get loose and I can't help it now. I used to just pass by any tempting gossip I wanted to be a part of but now, I jump at the chance. I will try.. no I will stop.
Gossiping is seriously one of my pet peeves, even if I do do it. I hate it that a certain someone would talk 'smack' about another but then they still hang out together... WHAT THE HECK?!

I've also been struggling with lust, all I want to do is just hit on girls... like seriously it sickens me... I used to look down on guys like me... so materialistic... I will stop this too... I will only talk if I genuinely want to get to know someone.

I've also been struggling with my spiritual life.. I'm trying to define clearly who I am as a... man of God? can I even say that at the moment? can I even claim to know Jesus? I wonder if he'll be ashamed of me... Am I even doing something wrong? etc?
and I feel like church is complaining all the time about everything... sometimes we just have to stick through it, it's the hardest when things around us, or even within us aren't moving.. if the ground isn't shaking...
But my passion is so gone. After awhile, church becomes such tradition which is why so many feel dry/dead/lifeless/apathetic. or is it because of our own sins? is it because we... I push away God in guilt? in sin? in lust after the worldly possessions? can I even be real anymore? am I real? What is keeping it real?.. as a christian.
eh

This week is just such a defeating week.

People judge me so much... even if it's a "positive" judge. Like eray doesn't get mad or tired or annoyed because I put on a smile all the time... my life is spinning fast and I can't stop it, I'm just trying to catch up to it. Nobody will really know what I'm talking about... Most of the people that act like they know me have really rich parents, even if they are "on their own"... they have that security that no matter what they will be ok because there will always be a cushion to land on. Not me. I'm not mad at that but I am hating on those that act like they're so independent because they're their own man, they work and make their own money, pay their own bills etc. only if they'd know the stress that comes with no security. but that's all good. I welcome pain, I welcome suffering because I know that and I believe this, that without hurts, pain, suffering, influence is limited. My goal in life is to be influential. To be confident enough to stand up for something. and I know that God is shaping me and shaping hurts. this process of being molded... imagine a cold clay being spun fast and pressured by the potters hand to be formable in His image... and I'm a pretty cold clay... cold play. haha anwyas.

man that felt so good venting. I wanted to kill people today.


I love being alone.

sweet like honey to my soul

can you believe it?
the most feared thoughts brought life.
when the young die and the old return to faithless
the front stage turned self centered
clear as water,
tears as dry as broken glass
we're all cut inside
we're all confused.. right?
empty actions follow empty words
this is the curse that we all follow
hearts that are hollow
everyone's searching for fillers
silent heart killers
punished for the hypocrisy
this is the life
this is my strife
can't be angry,
ain't nobody sad as me
lost as me
broke as me
i go deeper than the sky to the universe
i don't write songs i just write the verse
my actions rob the hearts of money purse
hit me hard so i hit the dirt.
cash flow, spit flow, sometimes we gotta lay low.
Is it just me or do we suffer together?
call me your brother
your joy is only there because of the pain that was brought
the tears that were sought
I can't apologize for sadness
no need to seek forgiveness
is there really meekness or are we just pretending?
defending
our pride and standings
bitter but sweetness
I'm in it.
tell me the truth
even if its cruel
my hearts been through worse
drama is just a second language in my life's work
bleed drama
cry for grandma
lost in our identity we forget to search for sanity
take a breather
be a leader
we're all just simple minded seekers.

sweet like honey to my soul

sometimes you walk
sometimes you crawl
sometimes you even run
but once in awhile you gotta fly.

Time's maybe hard
at times it may be fun
Time's may fly by
at times we may want to be done
Time's are good
at times people we love die
Time's often bring tragedy
at times we want to stop and cry
but time never stops timing you.


pain brings people closer, at the same time pushes people away
bringing hate towards one while compassion for another
a thin line between pain and joy, situations differ from brother to sister
words so cold I'll kill him is just a phrase driven by passion
33 years whips and chains found guilty beaten
physical attributes contribute to my feelings toward you
it might be random but hey, what's new?
education is the corner stone, I disagree the desire to learn is the stone in the corner
might save you some time from being a loner
....

what am i talking about?