beign alone is only negative if you hate it.

sweet like honey to my soul

man, my life has been spinning out of control for the past 2 or 3 years. At first I was able to handle it, taking on new responsibilities here and there and soon enough, I don't remember peoples name that I met 4 min. ago. It's been really getting to me, I just want to drop everything and just concentrate on one thing but I'm too deep in, i have to finish this pointless hole that I'm digging...

I'm 23 turning 24... what a life changing stAGE. Am I too old to be in school? Am I too young for a career? I have so many regrets and such, I just want to go back and change just a few things.

presently... My life is so filled with such negative people whether it's church, school, friends, strangers, etc. A lot negativity. I've been gossiping like crazy and I don't want to blame anyone else but I honestly can because it was until I started chilling with someone my mouth started to get loose and I can't help it now. I used to just pass by any tempting gossip I wanted to be a part of but now, I jump at the chance. I will try.. no I will stop.
Gossiping is seriously one of my pet peeves, even if I do do it. I hate it that a certain someone would talk 'smack' about another but then they still hang out together... WHAT THE HECK?!

I've also been struggling with lust, all I want to do is just hit on girls... like seriously it sickens me... I used to look down on guys like me... so materialistic... I will stop this too... I will only talk if I genuinely want to get to know someone.

I've also been struggling with my spiritual life.. I'm trying to define clearly who I am as a... man of God? can I even say that at the moment? can I even claim to know Jesus? I wonder if he'll be ashamed of me... Am I even doing something wrong? etc?
and I feel like church is complaining all the time about everything... sometimes we just have to stick through it, it's the hardest when things around us, or even within us aren't moving.. if the ground isn't shaking...
But my passion is so gone. After awhile, church becomes such tradition which is why so many feel dry/dead/lifeless/apathetic. or is it because of our own sins? is it because we... I push away God in guilt? in sin? in lust after the worldly possessions? can I even be real anymore? am I real? What is keeping it real?.. as a christian.
eh

This week is just such a defeating week.

People judge me so much... even if it's a "positive" judge. Like eray doesn't get mad or tired or annoyed because I put on a smile all the time... my life is spinning fast and I can't stop it, I'm just trying to catch up to it. Nobody will really know what I'm talking about... Most of the people that act like they know me have really rich parents, even if they are "on their own"... they have that security that no matter what they will be ok because there will always be a cushion to land on. Not me. I'm not mad at that but I am hating on those that act like they're so independent because they're their own man, they work and make their own money, pay their own bills etc. only if they'd know the stress that comes with no security. but that's all good. I welcome pain, I welcome suffering because I know that and I believe this, that without hurts, pain, suffering, influence is limited. My goal in life is to be influential. To be confident enough to stand up for something. and I know that God is shaping me and shaping hurts. this process of being molded... imagine a cold clay being spun fast and pressured by the potters hand to be formable in His image... and I'm a pretty cold clay... cold play. haha anwyas.

man that felt so good venting. I wanted to kill people today.


I love being alone.